


Where Are You Now

by sukunasbf



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Childhood Friends, Feelings Realization, Hurt No Comfort, I can’t tag for shit, Kinda, Kozume Kenma-centric, M/M, Mental Breakdown, No Beta, Sad Kozume Kenma, Unrequited Love, author projecting onto kenma, forgive my spelling and grammar mistakes, from what we know, sorry kenma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:20:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24935167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sukunasbf/pseuds/sukunasbf
Summary: Kenma Kozume always told himself that he didn’t need Tetsurou Kuroo.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 51





	Where Are You Now

**Author's Note:**

> i finally got my shit together and put an idea that i’ve had for a little while out. i’m not sure what i want to do with this fic in the future i might turn it into a series because i have a lot of ideas for this. i will probably make it a series just because i’m a sucker for a happy ending but my motivation has been a bit scattered. 
> 
> again i apologize for spelling and grammar issues i don’t have a beta and i have trouble rereading and catching mistakes but i hope you enjoy it at least a little bit. 
> 
> thank you guys for reading! <3

Kenma Kozume always told himself that he didn’t need Tetsurou Kuroo. He told himself that he didn’t need his constant grounding presence, or his provocative comments. He didn’t  _ need _ Kuroo in order to function or live. He could do just fine with his video games. He loved having Kuroo around sure, but he didn’t need him. 

Although, he was trying to convince himself more than anyone else. He hoped that if he said it enough that it’d just become a fact. As everyone knows though, nothing ever goes as planned when you need it to. 

Ever Since he was young, Kenma hated people. He hated how loud and nosy and obnoxious they were. He stayed on the sidelines, never letting anyone into the walls of the heavily guarded and perfectly crafted castle of his very being. He never let anyone get closer than they had to, choosing to keep his thoughts and emotions inside and being careful not to let anything slip. It was necessarily a very thing to do, he kept his face in his video games and people left him alone. 

He lived for himself and himself only, and that was more than okay for him. 

That is, until Kuroo Tetsurou came into the picture. 

He wasn’t the only one to try and get kenma to let down his walls, not even close. But he was however, the first to successfully break through them. It wasn’t something that had happened very fast, he took his time slowly unraveling the mystery that was Kozume Kenma. He seemed to enjoy it too, watching Kenma let him slowly chip away at the pieces until they crumbled at their feet. 

Throughout his life Kenma never really put much thought into volleyball. He played it because it was there. It was entertainment and he got to do it with Kuroo. That was all he really  needed  wanted at the time. 

Kenma liked to think he was a very perceptive person. Always watching and observing but never contributing. When he needed to he could really pay attention and predict certain outcomes based on what he knew about situations and the people involved.

The one thing he was never really able to predict or understand was Kuroo. He never really knew  _ why _ it was easy to let his guard down around Kuroo. Maybe he had become Kenma’s guard. Maybe he had made his way through Kenma’s walls and not only stayed there but filled the space where he had broken them down. Maybe he was what helped for Kenma into who he is. 

But yeah sure, he didn’t need Kuroo. He told himself over and over  _ I don’t need him to live. I can still be okay and be me without him. I'll be okay without him. I'll be okay without him. _

Towards the end of Kuroo’s final year he had built another wall. He didn’t know if Kuroo could see it or recognize it, but if he did, he didn’t say anything or do anything to take it down or get through. Kenma needed to prove to himself that he could keep himself together without him. 

Kenma eventually grasped the fact that Kuroo was going to leave. He had prepare himself, he had to protect himself from the inevitable crumbling of the wall he built with Kuroo. He had to protect himself before anyone else. If that means that he needs to push people away then he has to push people away. 

He started to slowly distance himself from Kuroo, gently so that he didn’t catch on. Normally, he’d be excited for extra time to himself. He’d have more time to play games and soak up the comfortable silence of his room. He should’ve known that like all things that involved Kuroo Tetsurou, it was never that easy.

With that silence he had more time to think. Thinking meant more self reflection which was something he typically tried to avoid. More often than he’d like to admit he found himself thinking about Kuroo. He was his best friend, of course he thought about him all the time. 

He wondered if best friends thought about what it would be like to hold each other’s hands or to snuggle close with them under blankets and watch shitty movies. He wondered if they stared at each other's pretty eyes and soft lips and wondered what they’d feel like against their own. 

Kenma told himself that yes, that was all normal. It happens all the time there’s no need to worry about it. There’s no need to worry about the constant yearning for the other to be close to them or the feelings of jealousy when they stared at a pretty girl for too long. This was what everyone else felt so there was no need to freak out about it. 

Eventually though, when the floor is moved out from under you, you fall. And Kenma fell hard. 

That’s how he got here, on the floor of his room next to his bed trying so hard to keep his walls up, to not let the dam break. He didn’t have anyone to keep them up for except himself this time. And somehow that seemed harder than having to keep them up for anyone else. 

He walked home from school alone. After practice, he sped out of the club room so that he didn’t have to deal with Kuroo’s nagging questions. He knew he’d ask him why he didn’t do as well in practice today. He’d tell him that he seemed to be distracted. Kenma knew that if he asked he’d break. 

His phone made a soft  _ ping _ noise and he wished he had the self restraint to ignore it. 

Kuro: hey ken, are you alright? 

Kuro: i didn’t see you in the club room after practice and you usually wait for me

Kuro: are you mad? 

Kenma didn’t know he was crying until a droplet landed on his phone screen. And just like that, the dam was broken, his walls had failed him yet again. There was nothing that could stop the cry of anguish and the heavy stream of tears that trailed down his face. He hated crying, some people looked pretty when they cried. Not Kenma though, his face turned bright red and blotchy and it was almost impossible to stop the snot that ran out of his nose. So he resolved to stop crying and for the most part it worked but times like these were inevitable. 

He collapsed on the floor, hugged his knees to his chest and for the first time in years, allowed himself to let everything out. He didn’t try to stop the loud sobs that ripped their way out of his throat. He was suddenly incredibly thankful his parents didn’t get home until the late evening. 

Lying on the floor he realized two things. 

One: he loved Kuroo Tetsurou. He loved him more than anyone else. He loved him more than friends should love their friends. He loved him like he assumed his parents loved each other.  _ He was in love with him _ .

Two: He needed Kuroo Tetsurou. He needed him the way people need oxygen to breathe. He needed him like plants need the sun. He  _ needed him _ . 

He was hit with the harsh reality that the walls that were supposed to protect him caved in and crushed him until there was nothing but dust. Because there is no greater pain than needing something you can’t have. When you need something and you can see it right in front of you just out of your reach. No matter how many times you reach out to it you can’t have it because it’s not yours to have.

Kuroo was going to leave and he wasn’t going to take Kenma with him. Kuroo was going to go to college and meet a pretty girl with beautiful long blonde hair and fall in love and get married. Kuroo was going to forget about Kenma. No matter how often he promised that he’d keep in touch when he leaves and how he promises to text him everyday, it, like many other things in Kenma’s life, was unavoidable. 

So Kenma wept from his place on the floor, a wet patch slowly forming on the carpet below him.

He wept for all that he was.

He wept for all that he was going to lose.

He wept for all that he was already losing.

And he wept for all that he could never have.

**Author's Note:**

> ahhhh i’m sorry for all of the angst but as i said before i am probably going to make this a series. constructive criticism is very much appreciated. thank you again!


End file.
